The best answers I found around the web to this age old question: Why did the chicken cross the road? No, really, why?
Philosophers and Theologians
Kierkegaard: Just because a chicken crosses the road it does not mean he is on the other side
Tillich: The chicken had the courage to be on the other side of the road
Hebrew writer: The LORD made his road straight.
Descartes: I cross; therefore, I am.
Job: Consider the chicken, Were you there when it first crossed the road?
Paul of Tarsus: The chicken does not understand what it does. The chicken does not want to cross the road. It does what it does not want to do, but what it hates to do. Who will save him from this life of road-crossing?!?
John of Patmos: This is the message we have received concerning the chicken: he has crossed the road and there is no darkness in him
Feminist Theologian: Typical patriarchy. I know you mean a rooster. Why can’t it be a hen?
Liberation Theologian: Because poor people were on the other side
What would the popes answer?
Pius IX (1846-1878): “If anyone should assert that the chicken has a right to cross the road, in direct disobedience the the Decrees of the Supreme Roman Pontiff which specify the divinely ordained place and roles of chickens, let him be anathema. And by the way, We are never wrong.”
Leo XIII (1878-1903): “The right of the chicken to cross the road, especially because all chickens are empowered to organize collectively for the right of crossing the road, must not be infringed. Unless the chicken is Anglican.”
Pius X (1903-1914): “Among the propositions to be condemned is the subversive Modernist doctrine that a chicken, without full knowledge of what lies on the other side of the road, may freely cross such a road. And you will swear an oath to that effect.”
Benedict XV (1914-1922): “The chicken has a right to cross the road in peace. Please don’t bomb the chicken.”
Pius XI (1922-1939): “You cannot prevent a chicken from crossing the road simply because it is Jewish. Stop that! No, stop it right now!”
Pius XII (1939-1958): “Herr Ambassador, if I let the chicken cross the road, will you also put me in one of your concentration camps?”
John XXIII (1958-1963): “Oh, just let the chicken cross the damn road already.”
Paul VI (1963-1978): “On the one hand, the chicken feels a need to cross the road. On the other hand, one wonders if the chicken really must cross the road.”
John Paul I (1978-1978): “The chicken crossed the road because…”
John Paul II (1978-2005): “The chicken crosses the road as an eschatological prefigurement of the parousia, when Christ will be all in all.”
Benedict XVI (2005-present): “The Byzantine emperor Paleologus Constantinius Optimus Prime once engaged in a colloquy with a devout and scholarly cooper in which his imperial majesty observed that chickens often engage in the non-teleological practice of crossing the road for seemingly mystagogical purposes. The cooper was recorded to have opined that the learned emperor’s discourse was ‘as the corporeal remnants of an ox which effuses its bad humours upon the wayside.’”
World religions and denominations:
Buddhism: “There is no road.”
Hinduism: “This chicken used to be somebody on the other side of the road”
Islam: “The Chicken crossed because it was the will of Allah”
Agnosticism: “Did the chicken really cross the road? Is there even a chicken? Is there even a road?”
Materialism: “There is nothing else but chickens and roads.”
Atheism: “There is No Chicken and there has never been a road.”
Catholicism: “The Chicken crossed the road because it was Friday and we were having a Lenten fish fry. Where’s my beer?”
Protestantism: “The Chicken crossed the road because it says so in the bible.”
Presbyterianism: “The chicken crossed because it was bound to happen.”
Episcopalianism: “The chicken crossed the road because it was part of a liturgical procession.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Knock, Knock, “Have you heard the good news about chicken?”
Judaism: “It wasn’t kosher. No get out of my face.”
Darwinism: “The chicken crossed the road because it was in its third stage of the evolutionary process from the islands off the cost of the cape and shared a common ancestor as the kiwi bird.”
Televangelism: “That Chicken is tax deductible if you donate it now.”
Creationism: “because the chicken was made that way since August 12, 4004 BC.”
Existentialism: “What is a chicken anyway and for that matter what is a road?”
Baptist: “That chicken crosses that road all wrong. I’ll show that chicken how to cross that road.”
Paganism: “All worship the mighty goddess chicken”
Pentecostal: “Praise God, the chicken crossed the road!”
Fundamentalism: “There are no chickens in the bible.”
Vegetarianism: “That poor bird! You animal pigs! You should eat tofu!”
Capitalism: “Is that the best price you can give me for a road crossing chicken?”
Mysticism: “The chicken crossed the road by not crossing the road.”